Setting boundaries may make you feel like crap

For many of my clients, a component of improving their mental health is learning to set boundaries in their relationships. As I wrote about here, so many people are socialized to think of others before themselves and end up in situations with loved ones where they have allowed their limits to be pushed too far. This is when a boundary is needed.

As a quick reminder, a boundary can be for others or for ourselves. A boundary for others shows them what is and is not acceptable in their relationship with you. Example: asking your mother not to text you late at night because you are trying to wind down for bed. And a boundary for ourselves tells us how we want to show up in relationships with others. Example: you set up “do not disturb” hours on your phone and if your mother does text you late at night you don’t respond until tomorrow morning.

In my work with clients, we will often talk about boundaries for a long time before they are ready to start actually setting them with people in their lives. Sometimes, by the time they get ready to set a boundary, they have the belief that this will magically make them feel so much better. But really, setting a boundary is just the beginning. People often are surprised by the negative emotions they feel after setting a boundary as well as the fortitude it takes to uphold, or enforce, that boundary once they’ve set it. Next I’m going to go through the more common emotions I see coming up for folks after the boundary has been set.

Guilt and Shame

Feelings of guilt (what I did was wrong) or shame (I am wrong or bad) come up often when it comes to setting and upholding boundaries. This is often because of the ways we have been socialized within our culture, that is, what we have observed out in the world about what it means to be a “good” daughter, friend, parent, girlfriend, etc. What messages we receive depend greatly on our culture. In very general terms, White American culture is on the more individualistic side whereas Black, Latinx, and Asian cultures tend to focus more on the family or community. New layers are added when we factor in the immigrant experience within some of these communities. Where I live, in Appalachia, communities and families can be quite insular and thus, also more concerned with family loyalty than other cultures in America. Culture plays a huge role in shaping our beliefs about relationships and cannot be ignored.

On a more individualized level, our own family experience also play a role in how we think relationships should look. Did you see that your thoughts and feelings were valued, or were children supposed to be seen and not heard? Did you become your parent’s confidant or right-hand guy or gal after they divorced, or were you allowed to have your own life? Were you needed to translate, or read, or write for older generations and thus were privy to things you maybe weren’t ready to know? These family dynamics combined with broader cultural ideas about relationships contribute to how guilty or ashamed you’ll feel to set and uphold boundaries with others.

It’s ok and very normal to feel guilt or shame about setting boundaries, and it doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t have set the boundary. You can work on seeing the origins of these feelings and understand them as conditioned responses. It also helps to remind yourself why you made the decision to set the boundary in the first place.

Anger

Many of my clients expect others to be angry when they set a boundary, but what they don’t expect is to experience anger themselves the first time they have to uphold a boundary they have previously set. As I said, stating the boundary is just the beginning, and it’s important to be ready to hold the line as much as you can and expect there to be push-back. I think folks don’t expect people to try to push their boundaries once they have been clearly stated, so it catches them off-guard and brings up feelings of anger. The antidote for this is to plan for people to try to get around your boundaries and decide in advance how you will handle it. It also helps to understand that it’s an adjustment for others as well. If you’ve always allowed this or that in your relationship, it can take some time for others to see that you are sticking to your boundaries. I’ve often heard it said that the people who get mad about you setting boundaries are the ones you most need to have boundaries with, and I think that’s true. So plan for some people to get pushy and anticipate how you want to respond, and this will help manage your own anger.

Sadness/Loneliness

One of the big fears people have when it comes to setting boundaries is that once the people in their lives see that they are not kidding around, they will leave. As humans, we have a built-in biological need for community and connection, so the fear of abandonment makes sense and is very normal. The sad truth is that some people may choose to exit your life rather than accept your new boundaries. Especially if this is someone you were very close to, it can feel very painful and sad to lose that relationship. I think many people would say “you’re better off without them” but that is really hard to hear when you’re feeling upset about the loss of the relationship. Over time, I think most people do come around to that point of view because they see that other people in their lives and new people they meet are totally fine with their boundaries. But it does take time. I will also say that I have seen close friends or family members who initially reject new boundaries and cut off contact sometime come back around after a cooling off period. They may realize that their first reaction was not appropriate or that their relationship with you is more important than maintaining their original stance. So that may or may not happen, but either way doesn’t mean that you were wrong for setting a boundary. As long as the boundary you’ve set isn’t something completely outlandish, most people will stick around and you’ll likely see the quality of those relationships improve.

I hope some of this information has been helpful. If you would like more support around setting boundaries or dealing with the aftermath, feel free to reach out. You can schedule a consultation call on the scheduling page.

I have openings for individual counseling for folks living in Tennessee or Florida and I’d be happy to talk with you!

 

Until next time, take good care of yourself!

Meghan