Coping Vs. Dealing with Emotions

One of the ways I think of things to write about is by paying attention to themes that arise in therapy sessions with my clients. Last week I found myself saying to multiple clients something along the lines of “you know that using coping skills is not the same as actually dealing with your emotions, right?” Now, I didn’t think this was revelatory, but turns out it was for a couple of folks. So, I thought I’d share some of my thoughts on this since knowing the difference between coping and working through emotions is kind of foundational.

What’s the Difference?

To my mind, most ways of coping with emotions are different methods for quieting, numbing, and relaxing away strong emotions. They are ways of putting difficult emotions in a metaphorical closet so you can get through the day. Finding healthy coping skills is where many if not most of my clients begin their personal work. And, really, it needs to be that way because without ways of coping with strong emotions, we would be balls of raw nerve endings who couldn’t get through a meeting without breaking down. So, we need to have the ability to take deep breaths, say a mantra, watch a show, exercise, eat a piece of chocolate, listen to music, etc, etc to make our emotions more manageable in the moment.

Being able to put our strong emotions in a closet is a helpful skill to have. However, just like with real closets, putting something in there doesn’t make it magically go away, and the problem is that our closets can only hold so much before it all starts spilling out. This is part of the reason you blow up at your partner when they don’t take out the trash. It activates all these other things in your closet of other times you felt similar frustration, anger, loneliness, etc. When we can actually deal with emotions closer to the time they arise, we can stop packing our closets so full and maybe have the bandwidth to start excavating some of the crap that’s been in there for years.

How to Actually Deal with Emotions

If I knew the one perfect answer as to how to effectively deal with emotions, I would probably be rich and famous and all therapists everywhere would be out of business. Unfortunately, I don’t think there is any magic in how to work through emotions. There are a ton of different ways to do it, and different things work for different people. In general, to deal with emotions, we have to allow ourselves to fully feel them and understand them in some way. Sounds simple, right? Sometimes it is, and I think the less packed your closet is, the simpler it can be. For some people, it’s enough to think through their emotions and reactions with themselves or a supportive friend or partner. This can look like talking it through with someone, journaling about it, or even just thinking it through and making sense of it on your own. If you’re a creative person, you might work out and understand your emotions through art, dance, or writing poetry or music.

For more complicated emotions, or when they become more troublesome and you’re having a harder time coping day-to-day, therapy can be a valuable tool for getting some help with this process. A good therapist will be a thought partner as you explore your emotions and reactions and help you think through where they may be coming from. Many of us therapists have been trained in particular methods of dealing with emotions that usually have acronyms like EMDR, IFS, DBT, ERP, AAIT, CBT but which, really, when you boil it all down, are just different ways of thinking about and working through emotions.

So that’s where I’ll stop on this topic for now. I hope this was helpful to some of you and gave you a different way of thinking about coping skills and some ways to actually work with your emotions to keep your closet from filling up.

If you are in the state of Tennessee and would like to see me for therapy, I have a few openings for new clients right now. See my scheduling page to book a consultation call.

Until next time, take good care of yourself!

Meghan