Tips For More Peaceful Bedtimes With Kids

Welcome! I’m glad you’re here. If this topic spoke to you, it’s probably because you are having some kind of bedtime or sleeping struggle with your children. For that you have my deepest sympathies. When our kids aren’t sleeping well, we are not sleeping well, and it’s hard to do anything when we haven’t had good sleep. So I’m sorry that you are having difficulties, and I hope that some of these ideas will help.

Frame it as Struggle, Not Misbehavior

This first thing is less of a tip and more of a mindset thing, and I think this could be the single most valuable shift we can make when it comes to relating better with our children. When our kids aren’t doing what we want or expect, it’s easy to tell ourselves that they are misbehaving on purpose or even doing these things to make us mad. I’m not going to try to tell you that this isn’t true, it might or might not be, but what I am going to say is that believing these things about my kid has never once been helpful when I was trying to navigate a difficult situation with him. So when it comes to bedtime and sleep struggles, work on your mindset first and try to see that your little guy or gal is struggling and needs your help.

Honor the Cycle

Next, we need to recognize that we are cyclical beings. Meaning that our bodies function on various cycles and rhythms. When our cycles are all working together in harmony, it’s a beautiful thing, but when something is out of sync, things can go downhill fast. A major cycle to be aware of when it comes to sleep is the circadian rhythm. This is the cycle that governs sleep and wakefulness in healthy human beings. When our kids’ circadian rhythms are out of whack, we need to do some things to try to get them more aligned.

Tip #1 – Get some natural light in the morning. This can be from the sun itself, or from a sun lamp, but getting that light first thing in the morning starts to tell the brain that now is the time for being awake. Up to 20 minutes is ideal, but do what you can with what you have.

Tip #2 – Don’t let your child get overtired. Kids need a lot of sleep! And paradoxically if they aren’t getting enough, it’s harder for them to fall asleep at the desired time. It’s important to know the recommended amount and especially if your child is having sleep problems, prioritize getting them to bed on time to start to reset their natural rhythm.

The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends the following hours of sleep for children and teens:

4-12 months: 12-16 hours per 24 hours including naps

1-2 years: 11-14 hours including naps

3-5 years: 10-13 hours including naps

6-12 years: 9-12 hours

Teenagers: 8-10 hours

Establish and Uphold Boundaries, Routines, and Rituals

If setting and upholding boundaries doesn’t come naturally to you, I first want to acknowledge how difficult and overwhelming this may seem. Take it one step at a time and ask for help as needed.

Tip #3 – Have a schedule. Children crave predictability and routine. Just as they should always know when their next meal or snack is coming, they should also know when their next sleep is coming. Obviously, the level of this knowing will vary based on age, but even very young babies respond well to routine and will naturally start to get sleepy at the usual time of their next nap if you maintain a regular enough schedule. For toddlers and young children this can be as simple as knowing that after lunch, they have a nap and after dinner they will have a bath, a book, and then it’s bedtime. For older children and teens, having an established bedtime and “lights out” time continues to be important. If you’ve not established these routines early in your child’s life, it’s never too late to start. Just like any new habit, you may encounter resistance, and it will probably take a while to sink in and for you to see results, but don’t give up!

Tip #4 – Create rituals and habits. This can again be as simple as bath, book, bed or as elaborate as you want to make it, but it needs to be predictable every night and set a relaxed and calm tone. Some suggestions of additions to the basics would be playing calm music, using essential oils, incorporating touch with snuggles or even massage.

Tip #5 – Set up behavioral agreements and age appropriate consequences. Starting in the toddler years, decide what your family agreements are about sleep and stick to them. Examples could be to stay in bed, keep the lights off, stay out of parents’ bed, etc. And consequences could be as simple as “if you get out of bed, I will put you back in it” or you could do what we did for many years and have some system of earning rewards for following the routine. The most important thing is, again, consistency.

Connect, Connect, Connect

Connecting and bonding with our kids during the day on a regular basis is another way to solve bedtime struggles. 15-20 minutes per day of one-on-one special time can work wonders in your relationship and in your child’s behavior.

Tip #6 – Process emotions. Have you ever laid awake at night and not been able to shut down your brain and go to sleep? If so, perhaps you can relate to the struggle your little one is having more than you think. Our kids experience a lot of stuff every day that they need to process through, which they do best through connecting with their primary caregivers. So providing ample time to work out their feelings during the day, whether that’s through playing, talking, or sometimes tantruming out those emotions will keep them from having to do it at night.

Tip #7 – Bonding and attachment. The need for connection is also biological. Our kids need to be connected to us to survive so it’s a deeply ingrained instinct. When we are trying to get them to go to bed in a dark room away from us, their survival instincts can kick in and make them struggle to stay close to us. Again, connecting with them during the daytime hours, forming and reinforcing secure attachment, is how to work on this struggle.

Honor Your Child and Your Intuition

The recommendations and tips I shared above are things that have helped me and my clients establish healthy sleep practices with their children, but knowing and being in tune with your individual child is super important. We are all unique in what we need to function well, so knowing their personality, disposition, likes and dislikes, and general level of sensitivity will help in customizing general tips and recommendations to your own kid. You also, as a caregiver, have a sense about these things, so trust yourself and your gut or intuition as to what your little one needs. If things need to change with regards to sleep at your house, I suggest making one small tweak at a time until you find a place that feels good for everyone. If you’ve been working diligently on creating better sleep habits for your child and just can’t seem to get anywhere, I think it’s a good idea to talk to your child’s doctor and investigate if there could be underlying physical or mental health issues that are affecting sleep. Again, trust your gut if you feel like something is wrong.

Everything Changes

Finally, just know that whatever you do or try to do, change is an inevitable part of parenting and life in general. So, for better or worse, your child’s sleep will change, and your habits and routines will naturally change and grow with your child. Do your best to roll with the change and pause to recognize and appreciate the times when things are working well. Those times bolster us when it feels like everything is falling apart. We can remember that things have been better and will be better again.

Until next time, you’re doing an amazing job. Take good care of yourself!

Meghan