Understanding and Dealing with Separation Anxiety
Hey there, welcome back or if you new around here, welcome for the first time! Today we’re going to talk about separation anxiety, what it is, how to look at it, and what to do about it. I wrote this in the time before Covid-19. (Should we call it BC-19?) And while we aren’t necessarily sending our kids to school and play dates right now, we could be experiencing increased anxiety and clinginess around the house. I also think many of the action steps can be useful for Covid-19 anxiety more generally. I hope some of this is serves you and your family!
What is Separation Anxiety?
Separation anxiety is very common in young children and can persist on through the preteen and even teen years if it isn’t dealt with appropriately. As the name suggests, it is a fear of being separated from someone important in your life, usually a primary caregiver. If you think about it, it makes perfect sense why babies and little kids would have these feelings. Biologically and evolutionarily, they need us in order to survive. So that’s why it is totally developmentally appropriate and normal for babies to cry when they are passed from Mom to Great Aunt Kathy who they have never met. It’s also totally normal for kids to have some separation anxiety around going to daycare or school or when these situations change such as a new classroom, new teacher, etc.
How to Think About Separation Anxiety
As we said above, having fears or worries about new people and new situations and going away from primary caregivers is perfectly normal, healthy, and expected. For parents, keeping this fact in mind will go a long way toward helping your child through this struggle they are having. So often I see parents accidentally reinforcing their child’s anxiety through being overly reassuring or becoming wrapped up in their child’s emotions. Seeing our kids struggle is hard, and it’s natural to worry about them. But we have to play the long game and think about the message we send as we are trying to soothe away the anxiety. We are saying to our kid that we are worried about their worry and that we aren’t sure they can handle it. This reinforces to our little one that there IS ACTUALLY something to worry about!
What we want our child to develop is courage and resilience in the face of uncertainty, right? We know that life is not all roses and unicorns. We know that things don’t always work out, that we don’t always get the nice teacher, that sometimes we do our best and fail anyway, and sometimes the absolute worst thing does happen. Life is uncertain but when we respect and trust in our kid’s ability to handle these situations, they can develop true courage and trust in themselves.
What Do We Actually Do?
1. We connect. This happens before, during, and after the struggle of separation. When we are with our child, we are really WITH them and filling them up with love and bonding. This will help during the struggles and, over time, make them less likely to occur. 15-20 minutes of daily Special Time can work wonders.
2. We respect. Respect that our child is struggling and needs our help to get through this. They aren’t being a jerk on purpose.
3. We empathize and reflect their feelings with a high level of warmth and love. “You are worried about going to school today.” “You’re feeling scared to stay here with your babysitter this evening.” We project love but stay calm and grounded.
4. We get on the same team and innovate. “What would make you feel more comfortable with me leaving?” “Let’s make up a secret handshake to do whenever we have to go away from each other.”
5. We set a limit if needed and follow through. “One more kiss and then I am leaving.” “I’m going to ask Ms. Annie to hold you while I go.”
6. We trust our child’s resilience that they can handle their anxiety and we trust that our bond is strong enough to survive this struggle (see step 1!)
When to get help
If you’re feeling triggered and anxious reading some of the advice above and feel like there’s no way you could follow through and trust your child to face their fears and anxieties, I would encourage you to get yourself into therapy. Anxiety, moreso than other mental health struggles, can be a learned response that parents can pass on to their children. Maybe it was passed on to you because of the way you were parented or maybe you came out of the womb that way. In either case, you can stop the cycle by learning some skills and developing your own courage muscles.
Sometimes separation anxiety gets to the point that your child needs to get help from a therapist. If symptoms don’t go away or get worse and get in the way of the child’s daily living, that’s a big red flag that you may need some reinforcements. Some signs to look for include:
Difficulty saying goodbye to parents
Persistent fear that something bad will happen to a family member during separation
Tantrums when faced with separation
Overwhelming need to know where parents are, and be in touch with them by phone or texting
Shadowing the parent constantly around the house
Vivid nightmares about family tragedy
Physical symptoms in anticipation of separation, like stomachaches, headaches and dizziness
Extended absences from school and avoidance of play dates
Little kids will show more symptoms at the moment of separation while older kids will have more anxiety as they anticipate the separation. Again, many of the symptoms above are perfectly normal and should improve with time and by following the steps in the section on what to do. If they don’t and are impairing your child’s ability to function, that’s the time to get some help.
If you or your child has reached that point, I’d love to help. I’m passionate about ending the cycles of anxiety within families and love to help kids (and adults) develop courage and learn to say “Bring It On” to their anxiety! You can get in touch via email or by making an appointment for a free phone consultation on my scheduling page above.
Until next week, stay home if you can and take good care of yourself!
Meghan